What Naruto Wants
by Angie-chan
Summary: Rated mostly for later chapters Naruto gets struck by lightening and can suddenly read minds! Keep in mind that this is supposed to be stupid, so don't flame about the stupid mind reading idea.
1. Content Not Suitable For Some Audiences

Okay, I hope I pull this off right. The idea just came to me about a half hour ago. Think "What Women Want", but with both sexes. I'm sort of rushed, since I have to be somewhere in an hour and a half, so I hope I finish it before I leave. Heh, I was just figuring out an outline of the story while I was in the shower. Is it odd that I thought of this while bathing?  
  
Anywho, I don't own Naruto. If I did, it would probably really suck, so you would have never heard of it.  
  
/word/ = Someone's thoughts. I was going to use italics, but for some reason they never show up when I upload. Oh, and Naruto's thoughts are like that too. He's the only one who can hear them (no da), but I figured I'd let you know.  
  
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A Lightning bolt lit up the sky as Naruto hurried to get out of the rain. He had been training with the other members of Team 7 when Kakashi-sensei decided to end early because of the thunder storm. It had started out harmless enough, but quickly the light drizzle had turned into a down pour.  
  
Naruto was cursing his bad luck. He had been so close to beating Sasuke! Well, at least according to him. Another bolt of lightning forked above, followed immediately by thunder. Hadn't he heard something about the time between the lightning and the thunder measuring how close you were to the eye of the storm? He quickened his pace.  
  
"Almost home," He thought aloud after seeing the building he lived in.  
  
He was just a few yards from the staircase leading to his apartment when... CRACK!! There was a bright flash of light followed by darkness.  
  
............................................................................................................  
  
When Naruto awoke, he felt sore all over. There was light streaming in through a crack in the curtains on his bedroom window.  
  
"Uhnnn..." He groaned as he tried to sit up in his bed. He looked around, and saw Iruka asleep in a chair next to his bed. "Iruka-sensei...?"  
  
At the mention of his name, Iruka blinked his eyes open.  
  
"Naruto, you're awake!!" He beamed at Naruto. /I'll kill you if you ever make me worry like that again!/  
  
"What are you talking about? What did I do?" Naruto asked defensively.  
  
Iruka looked at Naruto for a moment. "Naruto, what are you talking about?" /Oh no! What if he has brain damage??/  
  
Naruto was too confused to even acknowledge that last comment. "What happened to me?"  
  
"You don't remember?" /Maybe he has amnesia!/ "Someone found you in front of your house unconscious. You were taken to the hospital and slept for two days!"  
  
"But what happened?"  
  
"The doctors say you were struck by lightening."  
  
"Wow, really? Cool! If I survived, that must mean I'm invincible!!"  
  
Iruka punched him in the back of the head. "You idiot! You could've been killed!" /I don't know what I would have done if that had happened!/  
  
"Ow!" He clutched his head. /Iruka-sensei sure does hit hard for someone who was worried.../  
  
"Anyway, they said you would be okay, so I was allowed to take you home. You're really lucky, you know that?" He got up and stretched. "I have to go now, Naruto. I have a class to teach."  
  
"Iruka-sensei..."  
  
"Yes, Naruto?"  
  
"Did you stay with me the whole time?" Naruto blushed a bit.  
  
"I stayed with you as much as I could," Iruka answered. /Oh my gawd!! Naruto is so cute!! I just want to squeeze him to death when he's like this!/  
  
Naruto couldn't help but just gape at Iruka. /Did he just say what I think he just said?? He sounded like some creepy valley-girl!/ ((AN: I don't know if there are valley-girls in the Naruto universe, and I don't care.))  
  
"What's wrong, Naruto?" Iruka smiled. "Is it really that surprising that I'd look after you?" /Naruto's acting weird today... I hope there are no lasting effects. He does look adorable with that expression on his face, though./  
  
"What are you talking about!? You're the one acting weird!"  
  
Iruka gave Naruto an alarmed look. "Uhm, Naruto... I think you had better take it easy for the rest of the day." He gently pushed Naruto back into a laying position. /I hope he isn't nuts!/ "I'm sorry, but I've really gotta go. I already took a day off of work. Will you be okay while I'm gone?"  
  
"Yeah, just go, I'll be fine," /I don't want to be around him if he's acting crazy./  
  
"Alright, I'll stop by later to see if you're okay. I think it's best if you stay in bed for today, Naruto," Iruka smiled and left, closing the bedroom door behind him.  
  
Naruto waited until he heard the front door close before he got up and started to dress himself. /Iruka-sensei sure is acting weird./ Naruto smiled to himself. /Maybe he was so worried about me, he didn't sleep too much.../ ((AN: He's smiling at the thought of Iruka caring, not because he wants him to worry and be uncomfortable.))  
  
After grabbing a bite to eat (to drink, actually; He was too lazy to make food, so he just had a glass of milk), Naruto checked the time. 7:04 a.m.. /Weird, I slept for two days and managed to wake up early./  
  
Since it had been a few minutes since Iruka left, Naruto figured it was probably safe to leave. He didn't want to get yelled at for ignoring his ex-sensei and getting yelled at, but he was mostly afraid that Iruka might say weird girly things again.  
  
/What should I do...?/ Naruto thought as he left his apartment. His eyes lit up. /Maybe Sakura-chan was worried about me! I bet when she sees me, she'll throw herself at me and say something like: 'Oh, Naruto! I was so worried! The thought of losing you made me realize how important you are to me!!' ...Yeah. That's exactly what she'll do.) ((AN: Don't we all love his way of thinking?))  
  
Naruto checked all the places he thought Sakura might be, meaning he wandered around aimlessly until he happened to find her.  
  
"Hi, Sakura-chan!!"  
  
Sakura smiled at Naruto. "Hi, /Sasuke/ Naruto. Are you /Sasuke/ feeling better?"  
  
". . ." /has she lost it, too?/ since Naruto was just happy she even knew he had been "sick", he just decided to ignore the 'Sasuke's' and answer her. "Of course I'm better! I'm Uzumaki Naruto, after all!!" He preformed a dorky thumbs up, beaming at her.  
  
"That's /Sasuke/ good. I was a little /Sasuke/ worried about you. /Sasuke/ Kakashi-sensei said you were /Sasuke/ struck by /Sas-/ lightening. /-uke/"  
  
"Sakura-chan..." He had the feeling this would get him slapped, but "Why do you keep saying 'Sasuke' in between everything? It's annoying." /Is this some sort of new method of getting that jerk's attention, or something?/  
  
"What are /Sasuke/ you talking about Naruto?" She felt his cheek with the back of her hand (His forehead was covered by his forehead-protector) to check for a fever. "Are you /Sasuke/ sure you're /Sasuke/ feeling better?"  
  
"Yeah, I feel fine." He was starting to get annoyed. Sasuke even irritated him when he wasn't around! "Stop saying Sasuke, it's weird. Why would you want to say that loser's name all the time anyway?"  
  
"Naruto, you idiot!!" She smacked him upside the head. "Don't say things like that about Sasuke-kun! Go to bed if you're still sick." ((AN: She sure is nice to someone she thinks is sick, isn't she?))  
  
"But... Sakura-chan~!!"  
  
She "Hmph-ed" and stomped away from him. /That didn't go well.../ He thought.  
  
"What's wrong with everyone today?" He said aloud. "Everybody's acting really weird... Maybe I'm imagining it."  
  
He decided to take Sakura's advice and go home and sleep. /Maybe I am still sick.../  
  
As he headed back home, he noticed Kakashi in the window of a book store. The older man saw him and smiled. ..Well, under the mask he did. He raised a finger indicating he'd be out in a minute, so Naruto figured he'd better wait outside for him. Ten minutes later, he came out of the store.  
  
"Naruto, I see you've finally woken up! The team's been worried about you, you know." /Hee hee, I can't wait to read my new book!/  
  
Naruto pointed dramatically at Kakashi's bag he got from the store. "Kakashi-sensei, did you buy another one of those perverted books?"  
  
Kakashi's squinted his eyes mischievously. "Why, do you want to see it?" /I bet you'd just love to get your filthy little hands on my precious book!/  
  
"Yeah right! Like I'd want to be a pervert like you!" (Still pointing)  
  
"Now, now... don't say that. /I bet you read dirty things all the time/ Everyone needs a way to relax. /Like reading about big breasted beauties, and strong, muscular young men.../"  
  
"Eh??" He had known Kakashi-sensei was dirty-minded, but he had never been so openly perverted like that. "That's not relaxing!" He brightened a bit. "If you want to relax, you should eat! That always relaxes me!"  
  
Kakashi didn't look like he was listening. /Teasing each other with light touches, undressing one another and gently nipping at oh-so-soft flesh.../  
  
Naruto's eyes bugged out. "Kakashi-sensei!! Stop talking about that stuff, I don't wanna hear it!"  
  
Snapping out of his daze, Kakashi looked at Naruto. "Hear what? Naruto, you must be imagining things. So, how long ago did you wake up?" /They'd moan softly, rubbing against each other.../  
  
"What the hell?? Don't try and change the subject! And I said stop talking about that stuff!!"  
  
Kakashi patted Naruto on the head. "I think you should get some rest, Naruto." /And then he'd Content not suitable for some audiences/ He blinked a few times. "Naruto... are you alright?"  
  
Naruto had fainted after a massive nose-bleed, and was now on the ground. Kakashi quickly knelt down and pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket, trying to wipe up most of the blood. /Was he hurt worse than we thought?/ As Naruto came to, he was startled to see how close his instructor was.  
  
"Ack! Get away from me, you pervert!!" He pushed away and stood up.  
  
"Are you okay, Naruto? I think I should take you back to the hospital..."  
  
"I'm fine, you just surprised me! Don't talk about things like that when I'm around, you creep!!" Naruto snatched the hankie away and used it to sop up the rest of his blood.  
  
"Are you sure you're okay?" /What's he talking about?/ "Well... you can keep that hankie." He started to walk away, but stopped and said "Go rest, Naruto. It's not every day that you get hit by lightening. Don't worry about missions tomorrow." /Heh heh heh... now to read my book!/  
  
Naruto felt like screaming at the top of his lungs. /What the hell is wrong with everyone today??/ He turned and started heading home again. /Today has been such a long day, and it's barely past nine! Maybe all I need is a nap. A long, long nap.../  
  
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So, what do you think? I tried as best as I could to keep Naruto in character. The others... well, I wanted to take their characters, but exaggerate their funny flaws. I really can't wait to get to the other characters, but I'm having a little trouble putting this together right. Flames and reviews are appreciated. A few suggestions would be nice too. Oh, and I want to thank the lovely reviewers of my other fics. I might not have continued writing any fickes at all if it wasn't for those nice comments. 


	2. Maybe I should Punch Myself

Alright, now beginning chapter two! I know it's sort of a goofy idea for a fic, but I guess it's supposed to be like that. I've been on a crazy fic- writing binge over the last few days. Maybe it's because I only just started writing them a few days ago (If you don't count the Legend of Mana one which is a few months old). Or maybe it's because I'm experiencing withdrawals after not reading or watching any new Naruto in a while. My dad won't let me download anymore of the anime until I buy more cds to burn it on. He says it's taking up to much space on the computer. I NEED it! I already read it all in the manga, but I have a short memory-span, so I already forgot what happens anyway. Speaking of the manga, I also can't wait for chapter 213. I'll die if I don't read it soon. I'll literally die! Anywho... on with the fickie.  
  
Oh, and Naruto doesn't belong to me. If it did, it would suck, and you would have never read it. You also would have never watched it, because it would have sucked too bad to have it's own anime.  
  
/word/ = thoughts  
  
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The clock on Naruto's nightstand read 12:42 p.m. when he decided that napping just wasn't going to work. All he had done is roll around in his bed with his eyes closed, trying really hard not to picture all of the X- rated images that Kakashi had oh-so-kindly supplied him with. When he wasn't fighting hard not to think about content not suitable for some audiences, he was wondering why the heck everyone was acting so strange today. /Maybe they're all playing some kind of trick on me. Yeah, that's gotta be it! Some sort of joke to make me think I'm losing it or something! Why else would everyone be acting so weird?/ He quickly got out of bed and re-dressed himself. /I'll go find them and make them tell me what's going on!/ Just then, his stomach rumbled loudly. /But first, I'll eat something./  
  
As he prepared some instant ramen, he considered who he should try and find first. /I could try Kakashi-sensei, but who knows where he could be. That pervert's probably reading his stupid book, or thinking about the dirty things he was saying.../ Naruto visibly shuddered. /...earlier. Plus, he probably wouldn't answer me, or even worse: He might start saying perverted things again, to distract me. I bet Iruka-sensei would tell me, but he's got class. I don't want to wait until school gets out to ask him. I guess that leaves Sakura-chan. I hope she's not still angry./ Just then, he noticed the water was boiling, so he finished making his meal.  
  
Naruto left his apartment feeling a little better, since he had eaten, but still wary of asking Sakura. She had seemed particularly angry today. /Maybe that bastard Sasuke said something mean to her again. I should kick his ass for being so bitchy to her all the time! Then Sakura-chan would have to fall for me!/ He grinned widely, slipping into his little pretend world. He lost track of where he was going (Not that he had any particular destination) and stopped when he realized he was in a large field. He looked around, trying to get an idea of where he was, when he saw Shikamaru lying on his back, presumably sleeping. Since Naruto was not at all considerate, he ran up to the napping boy and kicked him in the side.  
  
Shikamaru winced and cursed. He seemed a bit surprised to see Naruto. /What has he developed this habit now, too?/  
  
Naruto stared down at his lazy friend and grinned. "Were you sleeping?"  
  
He scowled at Naruto. "Don't try and pretend you didn't notice," He slowly sat up. "What do you want?"  
  
"Have you seen Sakura-chan around anywhere?"  
  
"No, I haven't seen her." /Now go away, I was trying to sleep, idiot./  
  
"Hey, I'm not an idiot! You're an idiot!" ((AN: Wow, there's a great come- back.))  
  
"What the hell are you talking about, Naruto? Did you get hit in the head or something?" /He just gets louder every time I talk to him, I swear!/  
  
"Dammit, not you too!" Naruto groaned. "What's wrong with you guys? What's the big idea, playing a trick on me??'  
  
Shikamaru just stared at him. /Should I even bother hitting him and telling him he's an idiot, or should I just walk away? At least Sasuke made a little more sense!!/  
  
"Hey, if you hit me, you'll regret it!!" Naruto declared as he raised a fist in warning. "And who cares about stupid Sasuke?"  
  
"Wha...what did you say!?" /I didn't say that out loud, did I?/ The dark- haired boy said as he gaped at Naruto.  
  
Naruto looked his fist uncertainly. "I said that I'd hit you back... I guess." He shook his head. "Hey, wait. Stop doing that, I already know you guys are playing some kind of trick!"  
  
/Ugh, this is so troublesome.../ "First of all, who are 'us guys'?"  
  
"You, and Iruka-sensei, and Sakura-chan, and Kakashi-sensei." He said as he counted the names on his fingers.  
  
/I know I must have just accidentally said it out loud. Maybe I'm still asleep?/ "And what do you think we're doing to you?"  
  
"Dammit, you know what you're doing!!" Naruto exclaimed as he pointed his finger down at Shikamaru who had never bothered to stand up.  
  
/Maybe he trained too hard and snapped.../ "Just answer the question."  
  
"You all keep saying weird things and then pretending you didn't!"  
  
/Weird things?/ "What kind of weird things?"  
  
"Well, Sakura-chan kept saying 'Sasuke' in-between while she was talking, and Iruka-sensei was acting weird and saying I was cute... and Kakashi-sensei was saying really perverted things!" He suddenly looked annoyed. "And stop muttering to yourself while I'm talking!! ((AN: It's supposed to be like Shika-chan's thinking while Naruto's speaking.))  
  
"Naruto..." /This is stupid, why am I even considering this?/  
  
"Eh? Considering what?"  
  
Shikamaru stared at him wide-eyed for a moment. "Naruto... what number am I /twelve/ thinking right now?" /There's no way... twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve.../  
  
The blonde looked at him like he was crazy. "...Twelve?" /Wait... did he even move his lips that time?/  
  
His eyes were practically popping out of his skull. /This isn't possible... I must be dreaming! Maybe I should pinch myself./  
  
Naruto punched the unsuspecting boy in the face. Shikamaru flew sideways and hit the ground.  
  
"Fffuck!!" He sat up and clutched the side of his face. "Why the hell did you do that, you idiot??"  
  
"Hey, I was only trying to help!" He shouted defensively. "It would have been stupid for you to punch yourself!!"  
  
"You idiot!! I didn't say 'punch', I said pinch!! Wait, no... I didn't even say it out loud! And even if you did think it was punch, you didn't have to do it so hard!"  
  
He was quietly a little bit proud of himself, but he didn't say it. "What do you mean you didn't say it out loud? I heard you just fine!"  
  
Shikamaru stood up and rubbed his poor cheek. /Well, at least I know I'm not dreaming... (Idiot.) Well, if I keep my mouth shut, the moron will get the picture... right?/  
  
Naruto frowned. "What are you talking about?? You aren't making any sense!!"  
  
Shikamaru's jaw dropped. /Is he really a complete idiot?/  
  
"Hey, stop calling me names, or I'll hit you again!"  
  
Collecting himself, he looked Naruto straight in the eye. /Do you notice anything strange about the way I'm talking to you?/  
  
Naruto suddenly gasped and pointed. "Your lips aren't moving!! When did you learn to do that?"  
  
A huge vein popped up on Shikamaru's head as he fought the urge to stab Naruto repeatedly in the face. "I'm not talking, you moron! I'm thinking!"  
  
Naruto grinned stupidly. "Oh... Wait- what?"  
  
"You were reading my mind just now! I didn't 'learn to do' anything!" /Do you get it now, you stupid bastard?/  
  
"Hey, I'm not a stupid bastard!"  
  
Sighing deeply, Shikamaru dropped to the ground. /I really hate you./  
  
"Why do you hate me, you're the one playing the joke!"  
  
The brunette boy stared up at Naruto then started laughing quietly. /There's just no getting through to him./ He began to laugh louder. /He really is as stupid as I always thought he was!/ He began cackling like a lunatic. /Or maybe I've lost it, and this is just a crazy, painful dream!!/  
  
Naruto just stared at him. He had never seen Shikamaru actually laugh. It was rare to see any emotion on his face besides discomfort. He slowly walked forward and said his name.  
  
"Shikamaru...?" He got no response. "Hey, Shikamaru are you okay?" He got irritated after being ignored so he slapped him across the face, finally snapping him back to reality.  
  
"Ow! Uhm... thanks." He rubbed his cheek, which for the third time that day had been hit. (Ino had smacked him earlier when he didn't respond right away after she asked whether or not he believed she'd marry Sasuke when she grew up.)  
  
"Uhh... no problem."  
  
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Yay! I finished chapter two! I know Shika-chan was out of character, but I just like the image of him laughing like a maniac, heh. Oh, and if you're wondering about his references to Sasuke during his thoughts, it's because of another fickie I wrote. You don't need to read that to enjoy this one, but you should, because you love me. I couldn't help but add it in. I might add a little of that later, too for reasons I wont tell you (Hee hee). You'll just have to wait for the next chapter to find out, I guess! Anyway, sorry the chapter is kind of short. I just couldn't really think of how to go on from here, so I thought it was a good time to end the chapter. You should review, that way I'll be inspired! Even thought the fic is stupid, you still want to inspire me, right? RIGHT??  
  
Oh yeah, before I forget. I realize that most teenage boys wouldn't be so against perverted thoughts (Hell, Naruto does Sexy no jutsu, right?), but Kakashi's edited thoughts are supposed to be really, really bad and somewhat disturbing. He also manages to think them all in the space of... I don't know, a minute or so? Why? Because He's damn talented! 


	3. Call Me Mistress

Man, I've got a headache. I know I should just go to bed, but I want to work on this, even a little before I sleep. See? This is why my fics are funky. I write them while I'm half asleep. I'm so glad I have spelling and grammar check; otherwise my fickies would be riddled with mistakes. Oh, and in response to Devon Rehab's review: I was thinking about doing something along those lines, hee hee.  
  
Naruto doesn't belong to me. No da.  
  
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"So... you're saying I can read minds?"  
  
It had taken about ten minutes for poor Shikamaru to explain to Naruto that he wasn't playing a trick, but instead having his mind read by the blonde. Naruto really has a way of proving that blonde jokes are true doesn't he? It had taken several demonstrations, one involving Naruto placing his hand on Shikamaru's throat to check for vibrations while the latter thought 'aloud'.  
  
"Yes. For the last time, that's what I'm saying!" /I don't think I've spoken this much in my life!/  
  
"Wow!" Naruto exclaimed. "Not only am I invincible, but I can read minds too!!"  
  
"What do you mean, 'invincible'?" /I can't take much more of this.../  
  
"Oh, you didn't hear?"  
  
Shikamaru just glared. /Obviously not, idiot./  
  
"I told you to stop calling me that!!"  
  
"I can't help but think it, if you're retarded!!"  
  
Naruto scowled, but went on. "Well, I was struck by lightening the other day when it was raining, see, and-"  
  
"Wait, you were struck by lightening??"  
  
"Uh huh. Iruka-sensei said I slept for two days!" He held up two fingers as if he were proud of it.  
  
"Hmmm..." /Maybe that's why.../  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
He just couldn't get used to having his mind read. "How long have you been hearing people's thoughts?"  
  
"Only since I woke up today, why?"  
  
"After being unconscious?" /Gawd, he's thick./  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"Well, maybe being hit by lightening is the reason why you suddenly have this ability." /Duh./  
  
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense..." He said slowly. "Maybe that means I'll go back to normal if it happens again!"  
  
"Maybe... But, I don't think you should try it. It's not exactly a smart thing to do." /Death by toaster./  
  
"But what am I supposed to do? I don't like hearing what people are thinking!" He got a far-off expression on his face as he remembered his encounter with Kakashi.  
  
"You know, something like that would really come in handy. You could become an excellent interrogator with a skill like that. Maybe even a famous ninja."  
  
Naruto crossed his arms and tilted his head to one side. /Yeah... I would be famous! I bet Sasuke would be so jealous!/ But then he thought of content not appropriate for some audiences and decided it just wasn't worth it.  
  
"No..." He looked Shikamaru straight in the eye. "You have no idea how horrible some thoughts could be. Some things just aren't meant for others to know..." He looked like a survivor of some horrible catastrophe as he gazed as if through Shikamaru.  
  
"Uhh... I see." /I don't ever want to know what's on that Kakashi's mind./ "Well, we don't know what to do about this. Maybe you should see Hokage- sama."  
  
"Yeah! Why didn't I think of that?" (Shika-chan: /'Cause you're an idiot./) "The old man will know what to do!"  
  
Naruto got up (Shikamaru had finally gotten him to sit) and dusted off the seat of his pants with his hands.  
  
"Wait, before you go..." /heh heh.../  
  
"Hnn?"  
  
"I think you should talk to Sasuke." Shikamaru was trying his hardest to keep his mind empty. /Butterflies... pretty, blue butterflies./  
  
Naruto scowled. "Why should I talk to him?"  
  
"I just thought he... might know something about all this."  
  
"You mean, like this is all some trick of his??" He was already getting angry.  
  
/Gawd, you're stupid./ "No, he might have an idea about it, though."  
  
"Well, I don't care what that bastard has ideas of! I'll go talk to the old man," He went off in the direction of the Hokage's office.  
  
Shikamaru sighed deeply and settled back down on the grass. /Well, I tried.../  
  
............................................................................................................  
  
"I'm sorry, but you can't see Hokage-sama right now." /Ugh, not him again.../  
  
"What? Why not??"  
  
Naruto wasn't about to get turned back now that he was at the old man's office! He had already run into Ino, who had the same exact habit of thinking of nothing but Sasuke as Sakura, and he didn't want to meet up with anyone else. /I got lucky that time. Next time it could be worse!/  
  
"He's in a very important meeting and can not see anyone right now. I'll let him know you stopped by." /Just go home, you little turd, before I wring your neck!!/  
  
It was really difficult for Naruto not to bitch-slap the woman behind the desk. "Urgh! This is really important! I need to see him now!"  
  
"I'm sure it is, but I can't make any exceptions, sorry!" /Just die, you ugly, stinky little spawn of Satan!/  
  
"Fine! Just tell him I NEED to see him!" He stomped away before the witch could think anymore reasons for him jump over the desk, tear her heart out, and eat it while it was still beating. /Then I'd show you a spawn of Satan, you whore.../  
  
Yeah, he had also run into a lot of people who thought things similar to the receptionist. Not a lot of people liked Naruto. It was even more noticeable than usual when their cold looks were accompanied by hurtful thoughts. As you can probably guess, this wasn't putting him in a better mood. He decided the best thing to do was go home, and just trying to see the Hokage again later, or maybe tomorrow.  
  
He was deep in thought ((AN: Gasp!)) when he thought he had heard a familiar voice say his name. He glanced around and saw Hyuuga Hinata. /Man, now I'm going to have to find out how not-nice she really is.../  
  
"Hi, Hinata. Did you say my name just now?"  
  
"H-hi... Naruto-kun," /Oh my gawd, he's looking at me!/ She brought her fingers together in front of her, looking at her feet. "Ye... yes, I said your name..." /His eyes are so beautiful!/  
  
The last thought made him blush a bit. /Did she just think what I think she thought?/ ((AN: Say that three times fast, bii-atch.)) He realized it was his turn to talk and stuttered for a moment. "Uhh, s... o, what are you doing?"  
  
"I-I'm not really... I'm not really doing anything..." She blushed. /He's talking to me! He even noticed me when I said his name this time!/  
  
Naruto couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Oh... I was just heading home."  
  
/Is he blushing!?/ "Oh, I see... Should I leave you alone then?"  
  
Trying to keep from blushing only made it worse. "N-no, it's fine, I'm just..." He couldn't remember what he was going to say.  
  
/Oh, I've imagined him blushing like that so many times. I wonder why he's doing that?/ "Ju-just what, Naruto-kun?" /He looks so cute when he blushes!/  
  
/Dammit, I can't concentrate!!/ "Heh heh... I can't remember!" He grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of his head.  
  
"Oh..." /I can just picture him blushing like that... Blushing as he calls me mistress./  
  
It was all he could do to keep his jaw from dropping to the ground. /D-did she just say...!?/  
  
"Naruto-kun, are you okay?" She stepped forward a bit then backed up shyly, afraid to get too close. /Down on all fours in his tight vinyl outfit, waiting for my praise.../  
  
Naruto turned bright red. /Vinyl?? I can't believe Hinata thinks those kinds of things! And about me!!/ "I-I'm okay... Sorry, I just feel a little sick, heh."  
  
"Oh, d-do you have a fever?" She looked like she wanted to feel his cheek, but he was glad she didn't since he probably would have fainted. / 'Oh, Mistress! Spank me, I've been such a bad boy!' Then I'd take my paddle and-/  
  
"Sorryhinataihavetogobye!" He ran as quickly and as far away from the shocked girl as his legs could handle.  
  
He didn't pay attention to where he was going, as long as it was away from the amorous young woman. He didn't stop until he was in the forest where he usually trained. His face was still beat-red when he stopped, leaning against a tree to catch his breath. /I can't believe... I think I'm going to... throw up!/ ((AN: Not throw up in the 'Ewe, Hinata' way. More in the scared/nervous/surprised and it makes you queasy kind of way, you know?)) /I never would have thought she would ever think things like that!!/  
  
As he waited for his heart to stop beating like a drum, he heard a noise on his right. He turned and saw a figure approaching him. /Ugh, not that bastard Sasuke... I don't feel like hearing his thoughts. Probably nothing but 'Oh, I'm so cool' or 'I'm so miserable, someone hug me- wait, no, don't touch me!'/  
  
"What are you doing out here, dead last?" Sasuke called as he came towards him. Naruto waited for thoughts, but didn't hear any. Well, he was a bit far away... /Is there a distance limit on this??/  
  
"None of your business!" He called back. He was hoping desperately that the blush was gone from his cheeks.  
  
He stopped about two yards away and put a hand on one hip, looking annoyed. ((AN: When does he not look annoyed?)) /...Is he blushing?/  
  
/Dammit!/ "What are you looking at me like that? Wait, why are you out here?"  
  
"I was training." /He is blushing.../  
  
"Oh... Well, so was I!"  
  
"No you weren't." /He looks cute when he's blushing- I mean.... Dammit, stop thinking like that!/  
  
All the color drained from Naruto's face. /Did he say... cute? CUTE??/  
  
"...What's wrong with you?" /Wait, why is he up? No one told me he woke up.../  
  
"N-nothing's wrong with me..." /except I might throw up./ ((AN: This time, possibly from 'ewe, Sasuke.')) He tried to look angry as he pointed at Sasuke. "What's wrong with you??"  
  
He ignored the question. "When did you wake up?" /It would have been nice if someone told me... idiots./  
  
"I woke up today, why do you care?"  
  
"I was just /worried about you/ curious, idiot."  
  
/Why the hell was he worried??/ He tried not to remember what happened in the Wave country. "D-don't call me an idiot!"  
  
"Whatever." /I'll call you whatever I want, and you'll like it, bitch./  
  
/He is so lucky I don't want to look crazy right now!/ Naruto thought as he resisted punching the Uchiha for that last thought. "Well, I'm going home." I better get out of here before I regret it.../ He turned and began walking away.  
  
/Man, he's got a nice ass.../  
  
((AN: Remember the face Naruto had after 1000 years of pain?)) /What did he just say!?!/ Before he could even think, Naruto quickly turned to face Sasuke. /He did not just say I have a nice ass!/  
  
Sasuke scowled. "What?" /I am so gonna tap that./  
  
The blonde just opened and closed his mouth repeatedly, resembling a fish out of water. /What the...? Why the..? I think I'm going to cry!!/ ((AN: I mean, really; what was he supposed to say? I don't think I'd take it well if I heard those things from my friend/rival.))  
  
/Mmm... I can just imagine what he can do with those luscious lips./  
  
Naruto immediately closed his mouth. He was scared, confused, and beat-red (again). How was he going to get out of this? He needed to escape. Escape without letting Sasuke see his ass.  
  
"...Are you okay, idiot?" /Do you need me to make you feel all better?/  
  
"No! ...I mean, I'm fine. I... don't feel good. My... my stomach hurts. Uhm, too much ramen."  
  
"Then don't eat so much." /Or maybe we should play doctor./  
  
"I..." He was on the verge of tears. /This is just too much!/ "Just shut up and leave me alone!!"  
  
"What's your problem?" /On second thought, maybe he needs a good spanking./  
  
/Oh gawd... not spankings again!/ "You're my problem, so leave!"  
  
"I was hear first, moron. You leave." /Man, what is his problem? What a turn-off.../  
  
"Fine, I will!" He was too afraid of hearing more, to even worry about showing his ass as he ran away. /That was the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced in my entire life! Oh gawd, I just know he's staring at my ass.../ (He was.) /Why can't anyone be normal?/  
  
He ran all the way home (which happened to be quite a long way to run without slowing down.). He didn't stop for anything. He didn't even want risk bumping into anyone else he knew. He didn't need anymore lasting emotional scars. He just needed to go home and lock his door. Then barricade it. Maybe he'd even live out the rest of his days locked in his tiny apartment where no one could think dirty thoughts about his mouth or his ass. The rest of his days would be very few, though considering he had almost no food, but he was willing to deal with that.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
That was just too fun to write. Man, I have such a twisted sense of humor... Speaking of which, does anyone else even think this is funny, or am I only entertaining myself? Man, I really need to sleep. I've been up all night. I think I'll finally go to bed after I post this, though. I have to get my sister to read it first. Luckily, she just woke up. I'm not sure why though. It's early! Well, at least to me, since according to my mother, I'm a vampire, heh.  
  
Oh... yeah. "I hereby declare Jellystone Park as the neatest park in all the west!" Boomerang is scary... 


	4. Don't Forget To Lock The Windows

Chaptah fo'!! Aww yeeah!! (Okay, I'll stop that...) Thanks SO much to my beautiful reviewers! Reading pretty compliments makes me want to write faster! Oh, and I really don't have anything against Sasunaru or HinaNaru, I just don't want this to be serious at all, so don't look forward to any pairings. I really do want to make a cute, lovey-dovey fickie soon, though. If I do one, it'll probably be one of those pairings. I really want to do a Hinata one (I love her!!). Anyway, I can't believe I actually made some people laugh, I'm so happy! I even made my sister laugh, which is a big accomplishment!  
  
I don't own Naruto, so don't sue. ...Please?

.Chapter Four. . . . .  
  
Naruto's plan to stay locked in his house didn't go well. First of all, a few hours after he locked up and barricaded the door, Iruka-sensei stopped by to check on him. Needless to say, the teacher was a bit surprised when Naruto refused to let him in, saying he can't unlock the door or the 'others' might find him and look at his ass or whip him. Poor Iruka left feeling very worried for his young friend. Then there was the shortage of food in the house. When he checked his supplies, he realized all he had were three cups of instant ramen, a two month old, half empty box of cereal, a nearly spoiled carton of milk, and a breath mint. Things didn't seem to be working out very well for the frightened fox-boy.  
  
"What am I going to do?" He asked himself. "I won't be able to last long with only this much food!"  
  
He was sitting in a corner of his room curled up in a ball. All the lights in his house were shut off, and most of his heavy furniture was blocking the front door. He glanced nervously at the clock. It was only 4:42 p.m. He had been too shaken to eat and his stomach was beginning to rumble. He decided he might as well eat. It wouldn't do to have his strength sapped incase he needed to run again.  
  
He got up and went into the kitchen. He was just reaching up into the cabinet for a package of instant ramen, when he heard a noise come from his room. He froze and stared at his cracked door like a deer caught in someone's headlights.  
  
"I-is there someone there?" He called shakily.  
  
"It's me." A familiar voice answered.  
  
Poor Naruto nearly threw up. No! Not him! He frantically searched for a way out as he tried desperately to think up a plan. He was trying to pull his table from in front of his door when Sasuke came through his bedroom door with a scowl on his face.  
  
"What the hell's wrong with you?" He asked. /Has he snapped?/  
  
The blonde pointed at Sasuke. "W-what are you doing here? How did you get in?"  
  
"Idiot, I came in through the window," He looked at the furniture piled in front of the door. "It doesn't matter how much stuff you put in front of the door if the window's unlocked." /He must be the dumbest person I know.../  
  
Naruto cursed himself for doing something so stupid. He had been so concerned about keeping the door blocked off, that he had completely forgotten to seal up all the windows.  
  
"Why are you hiding anyway?" Sasuke took a step closer. "Iruka-sensei told Kakashi you were acting strange, so he told me to come up here." He glanced around the small room. /This place is a dump. I bet we could have lots of fun on that table, though.../  
  
Naruto's eyes widened and he clutched the table protectively. "You stay away from me and my table!! I won't have you doing... that on it!!"  
  
"What?" /He really has snapped!/  
  
"Get out of my apartment! It's none of your business what I do!" The boy was becoming hysteric. "Stop looking at my table!!"  
  
"Na-"  
  
"You're looking at it!"  
  
The dark haired youth averted his eyes from the table, (When someone tells you to stop, you just have to look) fixing them on Naruto. "What happened to you? Why are you acting like this?" /Did he hit his head or something?/  
  
"Just leave me alone, you pervert!!" He pointed at the door, then corrected himself and pointed at his room.  
  
"Tch. Whatever, fine." /I wish he'd point me toward a bed like that under normal circumstances./  
  
"Out!!"  
  
/He's kind of sexy when he's forceful!/  
  
Naruto watched him leave. Once he was sure the other boy was gone, he rushed into his room and locked up the window. He then did the same to his other windows. He regretted not having a hammer and nails since he would have liked to board up any and every entrance into the small apartment. He really couldn't chance getting another visitor. Even worse was the possibility that Sasuke or Hinata might sneak in and rape him if he wasn't careful. He really wasn't fond of whips and/or ass rape.

. . . . . .  
  
Agh! Sorry for such a horrifically short chapter! It's just that I'm having trouble thinking of ways to continue this. That's part of the reason it took so long for me to write at all. On top of that, my computer decided it would be funny to delete everything in my documents. Not everyone's documents, mind you; just mine. My computer hates me, I know it. Anyway, please help me out by giving suggestions. Or at least just review with your support. Then I'll, uh... be inspired or something. 'Kay, thanks much! I promise to update soon if you review!!


	5. Some Boys Are Just Different

Hooray! I'm finally making a new chapter! Aren't you proud of me? As always, I'll be doing this in a sleep deprived state. What's wrong with me? Why do I always do this?? I also get to listen to the lovely melody of my neighbor's lawn mower. Yay. Also, as I'm typing away, I'm downloading episode 85. I have two hours to kill, but I don't think it'll take me that long to finish this chapter. But then again, I've never timed myself while doing this, so who knows? Well, let's get this sucker started, shall we?  
  
-Insert all that crap about me not owning Naruto here-  
  
.Chapter Five..........................................................................................  
  
"Oh no!! What have I done!?" A certain blonde shouted as he stared down at the remains of his rations.  
  
A few crumpled wrappers were all that remained of the food he had planned to stretch for as long as he possibly could. How did this happen, you ask? Why he had eaten them. Upon waking up that morning, he had proceeded with all of his daily routines as always. Unfortunately, this included eating the remaining food in the house. He had completely forgotten about the previous day's happenings until he had just swallowed the last morsel of food. Yes, he managed to forget, even though all of his doors and windows were locked and barricaded.  
  
"How did I forget?? Why did I have to eat it?" He searched the empty wrappers vainly for any crumbs he might have left.  
  
After about ten minutes of freaking out, Naruto took a deep breath and decided that now was the time to asses his situation and find a sensible, adult solution.  
  
.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.  
  
"And since you're such a cute, polite girl, how about an extra orange, on the house?" /It's rare to see such polite kids these days!/ the shop keeper grinned as she placed an extra fruit into the bag.  
  
"Ah... Thank you, um, Ma'am," said a nervous looking blonde girl as she quickly paid for the food and rushed away.  
  
"Yes! I'm such a genius! No one will recognize me like this!" Naruto giggled at his own 'cleverness.' "And I even get free food!" He added as he eyed the extra piece of fruit among all the other groceries he was carrying in his cloth bag.  
  
No, he wasn't using Sexy No Jutsu. Too many people had seen him use it, so he knew that wouldn't work. Instead he had snuck into his downstairs neighbor's house and stole some of her daughter's clothes. He _was_ a ninja, after all. He was wearing a loose blue sundress (loose to hide his lack of figure), a straw hat (to hide his face), and some plain tan sandals. His hair was smoothed down with water and pushed behind his ears. He had even taken some concealer and covered up the whisker-like scars on his cheeks as best as he could. He pretty much looked like a cute, under-developed girl.  
  
As I'm sure you could guess, Naruto was pretty happy with himself once he had finished his shopping without mishap. He had "heard" a few unsettling things from some lecherous men (and in a few cases, women), but somehow it just wasn't as disturbing when it came from strangers. Yes, everything was going perfectly until he happened to notice three familiar siblings from the corner of his eye.  
  
"Well, let's just get this over with," Temari sighed as they headed in the direction of Hokage's office.  
  
"Why'd they send us anyway?" Kankuro whined angrily. "They could have sent anyone from the village, but no; WE have to come here..."  
  
"Stop complaining, Kankuro," Gaara ordered.  
  
"Tch..." The older brother continued grumbling to himself.  
  
Naruto stared. _What are those three doing here??_ His sudden curiosity made him consider dropping his groceries and following after them. It was the first time he was actually eager to read someone's mind. _I wonder what he thinks about. Is he upset about losing our fight? I wonder if he wants a re-match.  
_  
He was just about to follow the three sand Nins when he felt a tap on his shoulder. "Excuse me..."  
  
"What is it?" Naruto asked irritably as he turned to see who was distracting him.  
  
"Na-Naruto-kun?? It really is you!" Rock Lee exclaimed with a gasp. /Why is he dressed like a girl?/  
  
The older boy was still using crutches. It was surprising that he was being allowed out of the hospital, but then Naruto was just having that kind of luck lately, it seemed.  
  
"Eh!? Lee! I-I mean... who's Naruto? I don't know anyone named Naruto!!" He waved his hands frantically. "You're crazy! That's crazy!"  
  
Lee sweat-dropped. "Naruto-kun, I know it's you." /No one can trick me. I'm just too clever./  
  
Glancing around quickly, he grabbed Lee by the arm and dragged him to a gap between two buildings. "Listen, it's not what you think!"  
  
Lee grinned and clapped a hand on Naruto's shoulder. "Don't be ashamed Naruto-kun, I won't judge. Some boys are just... _different_ from other boys." /I'm such a nice guy!/  
  
"No, no, no!! Like I said, it's not that! It's... it's a long story."  
  
"Oh?" /I like stories!!/  
  
"I don't have time to tell you right now. Didn't you see who's in the village?"  
  
"Huh? No, who?" /Is he trying to make excuses?/  
  
"I'm not making excuses; those guys from the sand are here."  
  
"What?" /Him?/ "Why are they here?"  
  
"I don't know, I was gonna follow them, but you just _had_ to show up!"  
  
Lee frowned. /What could they be doing here in Konoha?/  
  
Just then Naruto realized something. "Lee!" He exclaimed excitedly. "You're normal! You don't want to whip me or do things on my table or think of naughty books, or anything!!" To Lee's surprise, Naruto suddenly hugged him. "I can't believe it! You don't think I'm cute, or anything!!"  
  
At this point, the thick-browed boy had completely forgotten about the visitors from Hidden Sand. /What's up with Naruto?? Why's he hugging me all of a sudden?/  
  
"Oh, ah..." Naruto blushed a bit as he quickly released Lee. "Sorry... Ahah, a lot's happened."  
  
.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.  
  
"I can't believe it!" Lee said in awe as Naruto finished explaining all that had happened. "I never knew such a thing could happen!" /I wonder if Gai-sensei knows about this!/  
  
They were now in Naruto's apartment. The blonde had decided he didn't want to risk anyone seeing him for many reasons. Plus, he had to get his groceries home (duh!). Lee had insisted on carrying Naruto's bag. "Even if I'm injured, I can't not lend a hand to a girl!" (Followed by the nice guy pose, of course.) The fact that Naruto wasn't really a girl hadn't gotten him to change his mind, so Naruto finally gave in and let him carry them.  
  
"Yeah, I didn't think so either."  
  
"Why don't you see the Hokage-sama?" /She'll know how to fix this!/  
  
"Idiot, don't you think I tried that?"  
  
"She didn't help?" /Maybe Gai-sensei will know what to do!/  
  
"Dammit, Gai-sensei isn't the answer to everything, ya know!!" The instructor really was that boy's solution to everything.  
  
"Hey!" He raised a crutch at Naruto. "Don't talk like that about Gai- sensei!" /I'll stand up for you, Gai-sensei!/  
  
"Stupid, I didn't say anything about him! I just said he's not the answer to everything!" He pointed his finger at Lee.  
  
"It was the way you said it!" /No one talks bad about Gai-se-/  
  
"Is he all you ever think about??"  
  
"What's wrong with thinking about my cool sensei?"  
  
"You're obsessed!"  
  
"Well, at least I'm not wearing a dress!"  
  
Naruto blushed when he realized he had forgotten to change his clothes. "Well, at least I'm not a thick-brow!"  
  
"Fine!" Lee stomped (as well as he could with crutches) to the front door. "If you're going to be like this, I would try and help you!!" /How dare he talk like that about me and Gai-sensei!/  
  
"Well, I don't need your help!! I never asked for you to help, anyway!!" He stuck out his tongue as Lee slammed the door behind him.  
  
_Tch! See if I care. I don't need someone like him around anyway. He'd just waste my time talking about his stupid sensei.  
_  
He mussed up his hair as he plopped angrily onto a chair. _He started it by being so damn over-sensitive, anyway!!  
_  
............................................................................................................  
  
Yes, I just _had_ to mix in a bit of drag. Can you blame me? It's getting harder for me to think up ideas. It would be great if you guys would make more suggestions. I don't just mean like "So-and-so should appear, it would be funny." If you have any suggestions, you can e-mail me at moogle76yahoo.com or just leave it in a comment. Oh, and to all you sand sibling fans, don't worry. I'll be sure to have them appear again later. I just got distracted when I decided to make Lee show up.

Oh, and I made a few mistakes in earlier chapters since I referred to the Hokage as a he. I wasn't sure what time this was taking place during at the time, so I figured I'd leave it as the Third, but if Gaara and such are going to be here, it should be the Fifth. I'm lazy, so I'm just going to ignore the errors, and if you love me, you'll do the same. Well, Anywho I guess that's about it. Review, my pretties! Review!

-looks at clock- My, it takes longer for me to write these than I thought. It was eleven-ish when I started, and now it's two-ish. Too bad the download slowed down, or it would be done. Well at least I only have- Ooh! Three minutes left! Whoo hoo!!


	6. On The Count Of Three, You Die

Oh my gawd, it's been a long, long time since I've updated, hasn't it? I'm so sorry! I couldn't help it! You should know that it's not good to force yourself to write! Not only have I been in the middle of a huge writer's block, but I've been so busy lately. I just started work, and I'm always out either spending money or goofing off with my friends when I'm not working. I just hope I'll be able to continue the story smoothly after going for so long with out writing… Well, just cross your fingers and hope this chapter doesn't suck, okie??

I doesn't be ownin' no Naruto. Not now, not never.

.Chapter 6…...

Naruto stuffed a handful of chips into his mouth irritably. _Stupid Lee. I could have found out what those Nins from the Sand were doing here if it hadn't been for him showing up and pestering me._ He licked the salt off his fingers with a scowl_. I'd hate to have to hang around such an annoying person all the time. How could anyone put up with such an obnoxious guy like that? _Somewhere Sakura, Sasuke, and Kakashi got the feeling Naruto was saying or thinking something stupid

He stuffed the chip bag away and went into his room. The absence of sunlight from the boarded up windows made the room quite dark. He was almost considering giving up on being awake when he heard a knock on the door. He stayed silent; hoping the person responsible for the sound would just leave after a while. After a few more knocks, he heard a voice from the other side of the door.

"Hey! Naruto, I know you're there! Open up, you moron!"

"Shikamaru!" Naruto exclaimed with relief as he un-bolted the door. He never thought he'd be so happy to see the boy

"What the hell have you been doing? Everyone says you've been acting like a psycho." /What stupid thing are you doing now?/

"What?? They're the psychos! Do you have any idea what kind of things are on their minds!?"

The dark-haired boy only scowled in reply. /Idiot./

Just then, Naruto remembered Shikamaru's suggestion to talk to Sasuke. His eyes suddenly narrowed and he pointed menacingly at the lazy ninja.

"You_ bastard_!!"

Taking a step back, Shikamaru asked, "What the hell are you screaming about?"

"What were you thinking, telling me to see Sasuke?"

"Oh… that." He looked off to the side. "Well, what's wrong? What happened?"

"You _knew_, didn't you??" Naruto brought his face close to Shikamaru's, curling his lip in disgust. "Don't lie to me! _You knew_!!"

Shikamaru's eyes widened as he suddenly realized that he had made a big mistake. He hadn't figured Naruto would be so upset over Sasuke's thoughts. Maybe a little shocked, but enraged? /What does that guy think about, anyway??/

"Oh, you want to know what he thinks about. Do you _really_ want to know??"

"N-no…" /I don't even want to think about how bad it must be…/

"Damn-straight, you don't!"

There was a silence between them as horrible images filled each of their minds.

"…"

"So what do you want?" Naruto finally asked.

"Tch. Your team mate, Sakura asked me to come see what's wrong with you." /Actually, she told me to. Then Ino beat me with her shoe until I agreed…/ Shikamaru rubbed the side of his head as he remembered.

"Did you tell them?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Do you think they'd believe me?" /Idiot./

"Well, you know what's wrong, so why the hell did you come here??"

Suddenly, Shikamaru's eyes widened and he spoke to Naruto in a hushed voice. "Do you have any idea what Ino would do to me if I didn't come here??" /Think happy thoughts… think happy thoughts…/

"…"

"…" /Pretty ponies and butterflies…/

"Anyway…" Naruto trailed off, hoping the other boy would finish the sentence, since he had no idea how to respond.

Clearing his throat, Shikamaru changed the subject. "So… are you planning on hiding in this dump for the rest of your life?"

"I'm not hiding!" The blonde shouted defensively. "I'm just… ducking a few people. …Like _Sasuke_." He added with a glare.

"Well, are you ever going to do something about this?" The brown-haired boy yawned. "What did Hokage-sama say about all this?" /She should have some kind of idea…/

"I haven't talked to her yet."

"What? Are you stupid? Out of all the people, she's the one you don't see??" /Why do you just keep getting dumber?/

"I tried, asshole! The hag was busy or something."

"Well, try again." He turned around and opened the door. "I have better things to do than hang around here. Good luck with fixing your… problem." He raised a hand over his shoulder and closed the door behind him.

_Gah! Why does everyone have to be so useless?? _

…………….

The streets of Konoha were nearly empty as Naruto hurried toward the Hokage's office. He had waited until night time to leave. He had considered wearing his disguise again, but thought against it. The idea of explaining why he was in drag to Tsunade just wasn't something he wanted to do.

The door to the entrance of the building was locked. Not that he had expected it to be open this late, but there was nothing wrong with hoping. He could see a light coming from the window on the second floor, so he knew the hag was there. He examined the lock on the door. Surely it would be a simple task to break into the building. He was an exceptional ninja, after all.

"Yo, Hag!! Open up the door!" He shouted at the top of his lungs as he pounded on the door. "Come on! Lemme in!!"

He continued to make as much noise as humanly possible until he finally heard someone inside the building. He also heard several someones shouting various obscenities at him, but he was ignoring them.

Naruto could barely jump back in time as the door flew open.

"What the hell do you want, Naruto??" A very angry Tsunade growled. /I was just about to…/

"Hey, what are you doing here, shrimp?" Jiraiya asked as he stepped out from behind The Fifth. /You always show up at just the wrong moment…/

"Get back up stairs, you idiot!" Tsunade commanded as she shooed the man away. /Don't worry, I'll be up in a second so we can finish./

Before Naruto could wonder about Tsunade's last thought, she turned back to him. "Now you had better have a damn good reason for disturbing me, or I'm going to beat you into next month!"

"I…" It's very difficult to remember anything when a woman like Tsunade threatens you.

"I'm giving you until the count of three."

"Wait!"

"One…" /If you came here for nothing, I'll tear you apart!/

"I swear it's important!"

"Two…" /First I'll rip off your legs…/

"I can't think with you counting like that!!"

"Three!" /Time to pay, runt!/

Tsunade had begun to creep closer to Naruto, a psychotic grin twisting her face. "Now to teach you some respect, brat!!"

"Hold on, you homicidal bitch!! I have something really important to tell you, but I can't say it out here!"

"What did you just call me??" /I'll _kill_ you!/

Naruto's life flashed before his eyes as the woman lunged at him. _This is it… I'm gonna die. I can't believe this is the end! _Tsunade grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. It seemed like everything was moving in slow motion. _I'm gonna be killed by a crazy old hag!!_

"Uhm… Tsunade?" And as suddenly as it all started, it stopped. Jiraiya peeked his head through the door to see Naruto dangling in the air as Tsunade was preparing to chop him into oblivion. "Why are you trying to kill Naruto?"

…………………………….

Yeah, it's short. But at least it's something, right?

I blame my cold for this chapter's, uhm… smallness. I've felt like crap all day, and I had to work. I tried sleeping, but since my body hates me and keeps refusing to sleep, I decided to finish this chapter. I'm sorry for taking so long! Actually, if it hadn't been for all the wonderful reviews, I pro'lly wouldn't have ever updated again. Dramatic mode: Begin It's your precious reviews that keep me going! It's almost like you're adding a little love into each review, and it's that love that let's me continue writing!! Dramatic mode: End

Oo… Anyway, review. I'll love ya for it. I should be able to update sooner this time, too. Now that I've started writing again, it'll be easier to keep going. …I hope. Well, at least I have a few good ideas for the coming chapters. And, like always, I always appreciate suggestions.


	7. Tough Love

Be happy. I really, _really_ want to start a One Piece fickie, but I know I should finish this one (and my others) first. Heh, as you might have guessed, I love to start things, but I hate to finish them. I really have no clue as to how I'm going to end this fic. I'll love you forever if you can give me any good suggestions. I hope I don't just end up continuing until my fingers don't work anymore…

As you know, Naruto isn't mine. If it was mine… well, the characters would probably act a lot more like they think in this fic. Now wouldn't that be scary?

.Chapter 7……

The blonde ninja had never in his life been so happy to see Jiraiya. At the man's question, Tsunade dropped Naruto to the ground and glared at her former team mate.

"Why don't you just ask the little brat himself?" She replied, raising an eyebrow angrily.

Jiraiya glanced over at Naruto. The boy was sitting on the ground with an Oh-my-gawd-I-could-have-died-just-now look on his face. Looking back at Tsunade, he decided it would be in his best interest to do as she said.

"Hey, Naruto…"

Naruto looked at Jiraiya, then at Tsunade, and back to Jiraiya.

"What the hell did you do?" /It must've been pretty bad…/

Normally, Naruto would have said something along the lines of 'I didn't do anything', or 'She just came at me for no reason', but he knew that would only cause the easily angered woman to beat the crap out of him. As stupid as he could be sometimes, he knew better than to piss Tsunade off twice in five minutes.

"I… called her… a homicidal bitch," He said quietly, studying Tsunade from the corner of his eye.

Jiraiya looked as though he wanted to laugh. /Dumbass! You should have known better than to say something like that!/ "Well, then you should have seen it coming! Now go away. We were in the middle of something when you showed up."

Naruto suddenly remembered why he came. "Hey, I can't just leave!" He quickly stood up. "I have something really important to tell you guys!"

"Well, out with it, kid!" Jiraiya commanded. "We were in the middle of something really important before you interrupted us!" /You're lucky I'm in a good mood, otherwise I'd take Tsunade's side./

"Well, can we go inside first? I can't talk about it out here."

At the question, Tsunade sighed. "Fine, let's go in. I'll give you five minutes to cry about your stupid little problem, and then you leave." She turned to Naruto. "Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah. Let's just hurry this up." Jiraiya interrupted. /I have better things I could be doing./

"_You_ shut your mouth!" Tsunade said angrily as she kicked the white-haired man inside. /I swear, I'll kill you someday…/

…

"So… What you're saying is that you can read minds…?" Jiraiya asked doubtfully. /Who's he trying to fool?/

"I'm not trying to fool anyone!" Naruto said angrily. "How many times am I going to have to tell you?"

"Eh…?" Pausing for a moment, the Ero-sennin studied Naruto. "I… didn't say that part out loud… did I?"

Naruto sighed loudly. /How stupid is he??/

"I've heard of similar things happening before…" Tsunade began, speaking for the first time since Naruto had begun his explanation.

"You have?" Jiraiya and Naruto asked in unison.

"I remember reading it in a book once. Well, it wasn't exactly the same thing as what's happened here, but…"

"But what"

"I think I might know a way to return you to normal, Naruto."

"Really??"

"Well, Im not certain yet, but if I look into it I might be able to do it."

Naruto hadn't been this happy since the day he had received his forehead protector. /I can be normal again!! I won't ever have to know what all these perverts are thinking about ever again!!/

"But…"

"Huh?"

"Are you sure you really want to give something like this up?"

"Why would I want to be like this? Do you have any idea the kind of things I've seen??" Naruto got a distant look in his eyes. "It's horrible… just horrible."

"…" The two sannin observed the boy in silence for a moment. /What on earth happened to him?/

"So… horrible…!"

Clearing his throat, Jiraiya leaned in close to the boy. "Hey, Naruto… You know, a talent like yours could be really helpful…" /Just think of how much easier it would make girl-chasing! If you know exactly what they want, women would flock to you!/

Jiraiya's thoughts were interrupted by Tsunade's fist.

"Owowowow!!" Jiraiya whimpered as he held his swollen cheek. "I didn't even say anything bad!" /You nearly broke my jaw, you bitch!/

"But you were thinking about bad things, you pervert," Tsunade turned to Naruto. "Wasn't he?"

"Yeah."

"Naruto, you traitor!!" /How could you do this to me…?/

Tsunade continued the conversation as she ground Jiraiya's face into the carpet. "There are a lot of uses for you new talent, you know…"

"Maybe… but it's not worth it. It's not worth knowing what everyone's thinking…" Suddenly, Naruto realized something. "Wait… why haven't you been thinking?"

The Fifth grinned. "I've been thinking. I'm just a lot better at hiding it than idiots like _him_." She punctuated her sentence with a twist of her foot into her ex-teammates face.

"…"

"So, are you absolutely sure you want to try and get rid of this ability? If you learn how to master it, you could become a master shinobi. Just think of how useful that talent could be to a ninja; no, to this entire village."

"I…"

Jiraiya's grunts of pain filled the room. /It hurts…/

"Well, you don't have to decide now," Tsunade kicked Jiraiya aside. "I still have to do some research to see if I'll even be able to do anything about all of this. I'll contact you once I've looked into it a bit."

"But…"

Tsunade gently lead Naruto outside. "Just sleep on it, okay?" She smiled reassuringly and shut the door in his face.

/That hag is confusing…/ Naruto headed back toward his apartment. /But I guess I'll just take her advice and think about all this. It won't be that bad staying like this for a _little_ while longer…/

……

And so ends another sadly short chapter. I couldn't really get into this one since it's so… I don't know… necessary. I knew I had to write this to make the plot continue. Hopefully the next chapter will be more fun. Actually, I'm almost certain it will be. As I'm sure I've told you a thousand times; I love suggestions. Just plain reviews are just spiffy, but a good suggestion can go a long way, you know? Anyway… I love you, so don't kill me for always taking so long! Plus, if I die, who will finish this? Hmmm…??


	8. Just One Sniff

Jiminy Cricket! It's been nearly a year since I last updated! That's just shameful! I apologize to any of my previous readers who are reading this now. I swear it wasn't intentional! I'm just… well, me. Sorry!

Naruto was not, is not, and will never be mine. I cry now.

/Word/ Someone else's thoughts

_Italics_ Naruto's thoughts

.Chapter 8……

When he opened his eyes Naruto yawned and grinned. Then he remembered. Then he stopped grinning. _Why'd I have to wake up…?_

It was a new day. The young ninja wasn't exactly prepared to face it, but at least there was a chance that he could finally end his nightmare. If Tsunade had figured out a way, that is… _Oh well._ He sat up in his bed and took a deep breath. _I've had worse things to look forward to before._

The blonde got out of bed and dressed himself. He didn't waste any time getting ready. He wanted to see Tsunade as soon as possible. He only hoped she had managed to find some way to fix his brain. He just couldn't handle knowing what everyone was thinking. Not with what they all had on their minds… Even if it meant sacrificing a potentially useful skill, he didn't care. _I'm a great ninja anyway! I don't need a skill like that to become hokage!_

Since his door was completely blocked off, Naruto opted for his bedroom window, hopping out with ease. It was still a little early, but he knew he wouldn't be able to wait before talking to the Fifth again, even if he was risking her wrath.

"Why the hell are you here so early?"

"Why do you think, you old hag?"

The busty blonde sent Naruto flying across the room into a wall. "What was that, brat?"

The energetic youth popped back up, a nasty bump swelling on his head. "What's wrong with you? You told me to sleep on it, right? I did, so I came back to tell you that I want you to fix this!" He pointed at his own head.

"I also said _I'd_ contact _you_," He crossed her arms irritably. "Do you really think I could have thought up a cure in one night? I may be a genius but I'm not a miracle worker!"

"Well, what am I supposed to do until you do?" The boy threw his arms in the air. "I can't go out like this! I can't go on missions, either. I can't even talk to my friends because now I know they're all freaks!"

"Well, that's not my problem, is it? Just suck it up until I figure something out, okay?" She relaxed. "In the meantime, just lay low and read a book or something. I'll inform Kakashi that you won't be participating in any missions for the next few days."

"_Days_?"

She shrugged. "There's not much else I can do."

Naruto sighed, accepting the fact that he would have to deal with his problem a little longer. "Well, I guess a few days are better than forever.."

Tsunade visibly softened. "Don't worry. I know I'll find something if I go through all my old books and scrolls." She smiled. "Why don't you take advantage of your skill while you still can? I'm sure there's _someone_ who's mind you'd like to read, hmm?"

Suddenly, the boy remembered. "Gaara! Is he still in Konoha?"

"What?" Tsunade blinked. "So you knew he was here, huh?"

"Yeah, he didn't leave yet, did he?" Excitement was beginning to show in his face.

"I really don't think he's the kind of person you want to see the inner workings of, kid… That boy's a little… unique."

"He is still here, isn't he? Do you know where he is?"

The older woman sighed. "If you want to talk to him, find him yourself." She began shooing the boy out. "Now get lost. If you want me to help you, stop bugging me."

"H-hey! Tell me where he is!" His struggling didn't make much of a difference against Tsunade's strength as she pushed him out the door.

"Bye!" She slammed the door shut before any more protests could be uttered.

"Dammit! Now I have to look for him…" He imagined all the other people he could possibly run into and shuddered. _Oh god…_

……

"Hey, have you seen Naruto lately?"

The three team eight ninjas walked together toward Konoha. They had just finished a mission and had already parted ways with Kurenai. They had been lucky today, since they were able to complete their task quickly and easily, giving them the rest of the day off.

"I hear he's lost it," Kiba added with a grin.

Hinata glanced to one side. "I saw him… He seemed strange."

Shino continued to walk in silence.

"The word is he got struck by lightening and went insane," Kiba scratched behind his ear absent-mindedly. "I bet the electricity scrambled his brain…"

"Kiba-kun!" The violet eyed girl scolded. "Don't say that about Naruto-kun!"

"I'll say whatever I want about whoever I want!"

"Kiba-kun…"

Shino stopped walking and turned his head. "Over there…"

The other two looked in the direction Shino indicated. Naruto was running in the direction of the woods. He seemed a bit frantic.

"Heh, speak of the devil…" Kiba raised a hand to his mouth and yelled. "Oi, Naruto!"

The blonde heard the call and spotted the three of them. He stared for a moment then took off in the opposite direction.

"Hey!" The fanged boy didn't look happy. "Who does he think he is?" Without a second thought, he chased after the blonde.

"Wait, Kiba-kun!" Hinata followed after him.

Shino stood still and watched his friends run off. After a moment, he began to walk after them, stopping here and there to talk to the butterflies. ((Hee.))

Naruto ran as fast as he could, praying that he could make it into the forest without being caught. _If I can get to the trees I might be able to hide somewhere… _He could hear Kiba catching up and Hinata wasn't too far behind him. Before the blonde could think up some sort of plan, he heard a bark. Akamaru leapt out from nowhere, knocking the fox boy to the ground. The puppy stood on his chest and yipped triumphantly.

"Dammit…" Naruto knocked the canine off of him and sat up.

Kiba stopped running a few feat away and laughed. "Good job, Akamaru!" He reached his arms out and his furry friend leapt into them happily. "You're as pathetic as ever, Uzumaki!" /Yeah, I'd definitely beat you in a re-match…/

"Na… Naruto-kun… Are you okay?" Hinata peeked from behind her team mate. /Should I help him up..? Oh god, but then I'd be touching his hand! I'd faint/

"I'm fine," Naruto stood up and brushed the dirt from his pants. "But I'm in a hurry, b-"

Kiba grabbed the collar of the boy's orange coat before he could run off again. "Don't rush, twerp. We want to talk to you." The expression on the dark haired boy's face didn't make you think he wanted to talk about flowers and kittens.

The blonde tore the offending hand from his jacket and scowled. "What the hell do you want?"

He smirked and crossed his arms. "Everyone says you're a nut case now, and I wanted to see if it was true." /Come on, say something crazy so I can laugh at you/

"Kiba-kun!" /He didn't have to say it like that.../

"What, I'm doing him a favor by letting him know what everyone's thinking."

Naruto almost burst into hysterical laughter. "You think that's what everyone's thinking?" He chuckled. "If you knew what people were really thinking, you'd vomit."

"…What?" Kiba stared at him. "You really have lost it." /Ha! I knew it/

"Kiba-kun…"Hinata stepped forward shyly. "I'm sorry.. Naruto-kun. H-he's just kidding…" /Why does Kiba have to be so mean to Naruto…/

_She's sticking up for me?_ "Hinata…"

/I should punish him for being such a naughty puppy! Only his mistress should talk down to Naruto/

Naruto took a step back, his face paling.

/I should put you on a leash and beat you, puppy! I'll make you lick my boots while Naruto watches in ecstasy/

"What the hell, don't apologize, Hinata!" /Dammit, why does she have to be so cute and innocent/ "It's not my fault he's crazy!"

"I… I'm sorry."

Kiba looked away. "Why are you saying sorry?" /I bet she smells really good./

The whiskered ninja decided to make a run for it while they were distracted. He turned to run and nearly went straight into Shino who had suddenly appeared behind him.

"Gah! Where did you come from?"

". . ." Shino stared down at the boy. /He looks really good today…/

Gulping, the blonde tried to go around him. _Just ignore it…_

"Hey, Shino! Don't let him sneak off!" /I'm not done with him yet/

"Why?" /I wonder what shampoo Naruto uses. His hair always looks so soft and shiny. I wish my hair looked that nice…/

"Because I want to see how crazy he is." /I'll prove to Hinata that I'm way better than that punk/

". . ." /Oh no! I forgot to use my skin cream last night! I bet my complexion looks terrible/

"Just leave me alone!" Naruto tried to run, but Shino kept getting in his way.

/He smells nice. I hope I smell that good… Oh god, what if I stink? I don't want Naruto to think I smell bad/

"Come on, Hinata! Help us get him!" Kiba motioned to the girl. /Just one sniff…/

"Kiba-kun, w-wait…!" /You must really want a spanking, puppy/

The boy couldn't take it anymore. "Just… LEAVE ME ALONE!" He disappeared in a cloud of smoke. When it cleared, team eight found themselves surrounded in Naruto clones.

"What the-" Kiba was punched by a clone before he could finish.

During the confusion, Naruto ran as fast as he could into the woods. _I gotta get as far away from them as I possibly can! If I stay here any longer who knows what those freaks will do?_

_o-o-o-o-o-o _

Are you happy now? I finally wrote another chapter. I forgot how much writing this can be. I hope it's good enough for forgiveness. Is it? IS IT? Forgive me by reviewing! Or just curse my existence. Whichever you'd prefer.


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